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SYNOPSIS |
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The Nanny |
Episode 3.11: The Unkindest Gift aka The Unkindest Cut. Broadcast November 27 1995 Nanny Fran is trying to encourage 13-year-old Brighton's interest in video-making and hires him to tape her cousin's bris. (To all intents and purposes, for Fran, the bris is the party. One summary refers to her "throwing a bris".)  Typical gag: in his ignorance, he films the brisket. He is told "that's the mohel who did you." The baby is circumcised. Brighton passes out at the crucial moment...  ...missing it but creating a "humorous" tape, which wins the family a trip to LA. This show says perhaps the least of any about what is actually happening, because "everybody knows" circumcision itself is trivial. |
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Night and Day |
(ITV, UK) Soap opera, initially broadcast both day and (with additional material) night. (final episode) One of the principal young men, Sam Armstrong (Stuart Manning), has his towel pulled off him when he is leaving the shower and he is photographed. The photograph is given to his Jewish girlfriend. To keep her, he agrees to be circumcised. He is next seen lying on an operating table under a Star of David. The mohel comments: "We don't see many your age in here." Four years later, he is wearing a full beard and the dress of an Orthodox Rabbi. More literally than usual, it is circumcision that has made a man Jewish. |
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Nip/Tuck |
(or "Nip-Tuck" or "NipTuck") FX Channel, July 22, 2003 didn't wait for its circumcision sequence. It began in episode 1. Glamourous, caddish cosmetic surgeon Dr Christian Troy (Julian McMahon) and Matt McNamara (John Hensley III), son of Troy's ethical, impassive homely partner Dr Sean McNamara (Dylan Walsh) are about to go sailing in Troy's cruiser, the Boatox. Christian: God, it is beautiful out here, huh?  John Hensley III (Matt McNamara) Matt: Oh yeah, it's perfect weather for skipping school. Christian: I want you back by third period, Matty. We agreed. Here. I wrote you a doctor's excuse. Matt: Thanks. Hey listen. and thanks for the medical consultation stuff. Um, when can we schedule an operation? Christian: Whoa, Whoa Whoa. Slow down. Like it or not we have to talk to your dad about this. You're under 18. He has to sign the consent form. Matt: Yeah....he'll never go for it. He's such an asshole. Christian (angrily): Hey! Don't you call your father that. You don't know how lucky you got it. Besides your dad is not an asshole. Robots can't be assholes. (They laugh) Later. Sean and Christian are scrubbing up Sean: See, my wife's perceptive.(laughing) Christian: Well you're not. A lot goes on in your family you don't know much about. If my son was getting brutally razzed at school, I'd have picked up on his changed behavior. Sean: (surprised) Matt's having trouble at school and he told you this? Christian: He's torn up. I guess he was showering at gym and shit and some tough guys were laughing at him and calling him "Anteater". Sean(confused) : "Anteater"? Christian: Basically, he's self-concious about his dick and he wants a circumcision. [In South Miami?] Sean: He doesn't need a circumcision. That's a vanity operation. Christian: We're in the vanity business, Sean, it's what we do. Appearance is everything to a kid. It's how you fit in. Snip, Snip. He feels better about himself. And you, sir, can make that happen. How cool is fatherhood? Sean: I'm not doing anything to my son's penis or my wife's breasts. [She asked him] I don't want my family infected by what we do here. Christian: And what is it that we do here, Sean, other than make people feel better about themselves? Sean: What we do here is let people externalize the hate they feel about themselves. Which is why I want to hire a fulltime psychologist to screen people better. Christian (sarcastically): Great, and let's do yoga in the lobby. Sean: Since Botox went wide it's been like a factory in here. There's no discernment, no caution. Christian: This is a business, Sean, a very good business that is on the verge of setting us up for life. Sean: Well, maybe I don't want to be in this business anymore. Later. The waiting room. Julia McNamara (Joely Richardson) is reading a magazine. Enter Christian Christian (surprised): Julia! Julia: Hi. Christian: To what do we owe the pleasure? Julia: Hey, oh, um, Sean's having a professional sitdown with Matt to talk to him about the...... Christian: So, I Heard. Tough stuff. Julia: Seems Dr. Spock didn't write a chapter about, um.... [He did. He changed his mind.] Hey, Thanks for talking to him last week. Christian (ironically): Everyone needs someone in their life who who'll listen, right? Sean's office. Sean: (to Matt) Tell me what you like about yourself? Matt: Look, Dad, I'm grateful that you're treating me like an adult. But if we have to do this, can we skip the psycho mind-probe stuff? Sean: Our mother and I have thought a lot about this topic. We didn't give you a circumcision because you were six weeks premature. Your little fighting body didn't need the stress of an operation. Matt (shrugs): I could have handled it. [As well as failing to address Matt's concerns, this conversation is full of non-sequiturs. As usual, the real reasons for leaving babies' penises alone - such as human rights and pleasure - are not mentioned.] Sean: Matt, why did you go to Christian with your concerns instead of me? Matt: Because he's cooler than you and he listens to me. I don't get that Father-knows-best bullshit from him. He treats me like a man. Sean (nods): Matt, I'm going to make an appointment with a psychologist. I apologize we don't have one on the staff here. We should. Matt: Whoa! What? Why? Sean: You've never bowed to peer pressure before. I think something's going on. Matt (upset): Look, I just want it, OK? I don't want guys talking trash about me and I know women don't like it when you're not cut. It's the smell or something....even though I keep it clean, so feel free to skip the hygiene lecture. Sean: Matt, are you having sex with girls? Matt: Not with girls, Dad. With Vanessa. Maybe you've over-heard me talking to Mom about her. You know she's beautiful, she's a varsity cheerleader. She can have any guy she wants. And she chose me. Sean: So you have had sex? Matt: It's getting there and I know she'll see it and hurl. Sean: Matt, if this girl genuinely cares about you, she's not going to care about something trivial as extra skin. [Not extra. Standard equipment.] Matt: Trivial?! This is my life! This is not trivial. Look, for once.......just give me something that I need. July 29, 2003 Matt is sitting at the kitchen table doing homework. Enter Sean. Sean (throwing a condom on the kitchen table.): Heads up. Matt(picking it up, shocked but smiling): What's this? Sean : It's a prophylactic, Matt. Matt: Well, yeah. I know what it is, Dad. Why did you give it to me? Sean: You're worried about your girl's reaction to your foreskin on the first time, right? Well, you responsibly slip this on when that time comes... she won't even know. Once you get your sea legs, you can be confident enough to initiate a conversation about what a foreskin is and how it really won't affect her pleasure. [No suggestion that it might actually give her more pleasure.] Matt looks angry, frustrated and/or disappointed Later. We see the lower halves of a man undressing a woman. Track up to reveal Matt and his girlfriend, Vanessa, kissing passionately. Cut to them in bed together. Vanessa: Matt. Matt: Mmm? Mmm? Vanessa: I want to try it. Matt: Oh... OK. He gets out of bed Vanessa: Where are you going? Matt: Oh... uh... I was gonna get a condom. Vanessa: I want to see it first. Matt (smiling nervously ) OK... Yeah... sure. He rolls on to his back looking uncomfortable. Vanessa moves out of shot to inspect him at length. When she surfaces he begins to kiss her but she doesn't respond. Vanessa: It looks like a Shar-Pei. Are you part-Arab or something? [Virtually all Arab men, being Muslim, are circumcised. This presumably reveals the scriptwriters' ignorance rather than Vanessa's.]
Matt: Uh....no. (pause) Matt: Does it turn you off that that I'm not - circumcised? Vanessa (Avoiding eye contact.): No, not at all. (pause) Maybe we should just make out today. (She starts to kiss him on the mouth but Matt he does not respond.) (Later . Matt and Christian are in a strip club) Matt: Why won't you give me the circumcision? He doesn't even have to know. Christian: Carving up your dick is a little more telltale than buying you a 6-pack on the sly, Matty. (A waitress approaches) Matt: Uh... Hi....I'll have a Dewar's straight up. Christian: (Chuckles. ) He'll have a Coke. (He ogles the waitress) I'll have the Dewar's, sweetheart. Thank you Christian: Besides, I'm of the opinion your father's right about this one. You don't need a circumcision. Matt: Oh, fine. If you guys won't help me, I'll go to another surgeon. Christian: Who'll operate without a signed parent consent form. Good luck. The problem isn't your dick, Matty. It's your confidence. You were timid and embarrassed. She saw that and that's what turned her off. (Waitress returns with their drinks.) Matt: Thanks. Um......why are we here? Christian (Chuckling): Because we are gonna work on the confidence part. Yeah! Matt (laughing): You're kidding me, right? Christian: Au contraire, my little virginator. I've arranged for you to just get it out of the way. A little bang under your belt, I firmly believe you'll be able to bicycle over to Vanessa's place, grab that peachy ass and show her how it's done - with no fear. Christian (facing Matt): Girls don't care if you have a 2 inch pecker, a hairy ass, or balls the size of cranberries. What they care about is that you know what you're doing. Matt (chuckling and sighing): So which girl? Christian(pointing over his shoulder at a woman who is waving and smiling at Matt.): Behind me. On the stairs . Her name is Avanti. Rumor has it she can suck the peel off an apple. Matt: I feel entirely creep about paying someone to pretend they like me. No... Hey.... besides, man, I'm not gonna cheat on Vanessa . I love her. Haven't you ever had that? Christian(thoughtfully): Once. (Avanti walks over) Avanti (to Matt): Hey, Papi. Matt: Uh...Hey. Avanti: Hey. Matt: Ahem..... Um....yeah......Thank you (to Christian) but...um..no (to Avanti) no thank you. Christian: Fair enough.(Sigh) Mmm, now if you'll excuse me. I'm gonna go upstairs and pay someone to pretend they like me. (He takes Avanti by the hand and leads her upstairs, leaving Matt sitting alone) (Later. Matt is sitting at a computer in in his bedroom. He types in "circumcision". ... He adds the words "how to" and hits "Search") (Later. Matt and his mother Julia are in the kitchen) ... Matt: Hey, Mom. Do you have any cuticle scissors? Julia: Why do you need those? Matt (holding up his hand): Why do you think? I have a hang nail. Julia: Upstairs bathroom. Third drawer on the right. (Later. Matt back at the computer) Voice: "Hey, how's it going? You've logged onto Joey's Self-Circumcision Web Page. A guide for guys like me who have a foreskin problem and are too embarrassed to have the doctor do the duty. First things first, guys. Relax. A shaking hand means you could slip. I took a mild muscle relaxant." (Matt pours himself a glass of wine) Voice: "Other guys I know fared well on a glass of red wine. Be smooth and confident." (Matt takes a big swallow. Later: he is pouring himself another glass, drinking it all, then another. He drinks from the bottle, finishing it. Matt reads and sharpens the cuticle scissors.) Voice: "Your surgical tools have to be sharpened to razor-sharpness. When you do, the cuts are virtually painless and bleed very little. I didn't use ice or anything. There was no need." (Cut to Matt staring at a picture of Vanessa. He begins to take off his shirt, then unzips his jeans, pulls them down a little and then pulls down his boxers a little. He reaches for the cuticle scissors.) Voice: "For the first cut, grip the foreskin and pull it out. Cut in a circular motion, removing a thin quarter inch strip." Matt looks shakily downward. We hear a single clipping sound. Matt flinches and closes his eyes. Slowly he raises his hand and his fingers are covered in blood. He slowly passes out hits the floor as the screen fades to black.. Broadcast August 5, 2003 Next morning. Julia is pacing around outside closed double doors. Julia: What's going on, Matt? Are you OK? Matt (on the other side, in the bathroom): Look, I'm gonna be fine, Mom. (to Sean, who is seated on the closed toilet lid) Right? I'm gonna be fine? Sean: Take the ice pack off. Let me see. Matt (resisting): Mm-mmmm Sean: Matt, I changed your diaper hundreds of times. I've seen it. Come on. After a long pause Matt removes the ice pack. At the crucial moment, the shot changes: though we repeately see the most gruesome plastic surgery in medical-school detail, we never see a live penis. Sean (incredulous): You took a chunk out of your foreskin and lacerated the opening of your urethra. I can apply a slight pressure bandage. That will get you through the next couple of hours. Matt: And then what? Sean: And then later today you're coming into the office. And I'm gonna give you a proper circumcision Matt: No shit? Sean: On one condition: you start communicating with me! If there is something about your body you want changed, one of those nipple rings, whatever, we talk it out before you try self-mutilation. And if you have questions about sex, for instance, how to find and stimulate the clitoris, you come to me. I want to be involved in your life, Matt. Deal? Matt (after a long pause): Deal. Later. Sean, Julia and Matt are having breakfast. Matt reaches for an apple. Sean: Aah! No food 12 hours before surgery. Julia: Matt, you've never even had your tonsils out. Are you sure you want to do this? Matt: Yes. It's important to me, Mom. And Dad agrees, so--- Sean: No, I don't agree. What you did has to be corrected by a professional. [This is not "correction". Salvage would be possible, though it is fine surgery.] I'm doing your circumcision out of medical necessity. Before we leave, you need to shave your genital region, Matt. Julia: Carefully. Matt: And the humiliations just keep coming, don't they. (Exit.) Julia: I don't like this. Sean: He'll be fine. I promise. Later. Sean and Christian are scrubbing up. Later still, the operating theatre, Matt on the operating table. Sean looks worried. Matt: Uncle Chris, what are you doing here? Christian: You're the most important patient we've ever operated on, Matty. We're just taking extra precautions, that's all. (Nurse) Liz: OK guys. Ready when you are. Matt: I'm afraid. Sean and Christian look at each other Sean: You're gonna be fine, Matt. I wouldn't do this unless I could guarantee that. Liz: I want you to count back from 10, OK? Matt: 10, 9, ... ( and he's out. Matt is circumcised.) Sean: All right. Let's do this. Clamp. Hemostat. Scalpel. Christian hands Sean the scalpel. Sean begins to lower the scalpel but stops. His hand is trembling. Christian: Let me do it. You're nervous. That's understandable. Sean: I'm fine. I want to do this. Christian: It's OK. We'll trade. You do Grubman's tummy tuck afterwards. I'll do Matt. Slow motion. Sean passes the scalpel to Christian. Instead of seeing anything of Christian doing the circumcision, to a Strauss waltz, we see ghoulish detail of the tummy tuck, with emphasis on the forklike retractors and a large gob of fat being dropped in a bowl. Later. Vanessa and Matt are on Matt's bed Vanessa: Did it hurt? Matt: You were worth it They both chuckle, looking into each other's eyes. Matt: The stitches come out next week. We can do it anytime after that. As they move together, Sean bursts into the room Sean: Matt, have you urinated yet today? (He starts when he sees Vanessa. Vanessa (laughing): Buzzkill. Later. Matt and Sean in the bathroom Matt: Why do you want to see this? Sean: I had to suture your urinarius, and I want to make sure there's no blood in the urine. That would be a sign of internal hemorrhaging. And I want to be here to support you. Matt (puzzled): Why do I need that? Sean: The first time you pee after an operation of this nature, It's going to feel like you're pissing fire, Matt. Just press down on my hand and scream if you want. Nobody's going to judge you. Matt: I- I don't need to hold your hand, Dad. And, uh, can you give me some privacy? Sean: Oh. Matt tries to urinate Sean: Vanessa's a little hard body, Matt. Looks like you're dating a future prom queen. Congratulations. Pause Matt: I can't dance. Sean: OK, well let's come back in an hour then. Matt: No, I, uh I mean I really can't dance. You're right about the prom thing. She's already asked me to go. And I don't.....don't know how to dance. Sean: Uh, Well that's OK. Neither could I. You just say "It's not my thing." Matt: This works? Sean: I didn't even dance at my own wedding. Women like it when there's some mystery there. Matt: Thanks Matt: Uhh! Shit! It's coming! Uh! (reaches out) Hand! Later. Loud rock music. Matt is knocking and calling at the front door of Vanessa's house. He enters the house. He sees Vanessa's pompoms and book bag on a settee. He goes upstairs and slowly opens Vanessa's door. Vanessa is passionately kissing and groping another girl. They see Matt. Matt runs out. Later. Matt comes home and tries to sneak upstairs unnoticed. Sean: Hey! Come on in here! Matt comes back. Sean: So tell me. Matt: Tell you what? Sean: How did it go with Vanessa? The stitches are out. I figured you- you know. Matt (unconvincingly): It was great, Dad. Sean: Just- great? Matt: It was everything I wanted it to be. And I want to thank you for just really helping me out and giving it to me. Sean: You're welcome. (They hug) Matt: Uh, I'm gonna go wash up for dinner. Matt goes to his room and closes the door. He leans against it and starts crying. [And well he might. While this plotline is hardly pro-intact, not only did Matt's circumcision go to waste, but Vanessa was probably telling the truth that it wasn't his foreskin that was bothering her.] In later episodes:
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Northern Exposure
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Episode 2.3. "All Is Vanity", broadcast 22 July 1991 Written by: Andrew Schneider and Diane Frolov Directed by: Nick Marck Shelly Tambo (Cynthia Geary) goes to bed with Holling Vincour (John Callum) and makes an offhand comment about him being intact. He asks Dr Joel Fleischmann (Rob Morrow) to circumcise him to be "more in style," but Joel advises against it. Shelly talks him into it again, but he has a bad dream (in which Joel circumcises him with a sword in front of an audience "[to give] it a more youthful and vigorous appearance" and something goes wrong).
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The Oblongs
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Animated series about a family living next to a polluted swamp. Episode 2: "Narcoleptic Scottie" written by Scott Buck Youngest son, Milo (who is highly medicated for his Attention Deficit Disorder, among other things) is being put to bed by his mother, Pickles. Milo: Read me another video box, Mommy. Pickles: No, honey, it's time to board the sleepy train to slumber land where fairies make all your sweet dreams come true. Lockdown! (She pulls up the bed railings) Milo: Oh, Mom, I'm fully medicated. Pickles: Milo, last night you were up till dawn trying to circumcise ants. Milo: That's not crazy. It's a matter of hygiene. (Pickles blows him a kiss and locks him in his bedroom.) This is either |
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Off Centre |
The Unkindest Cut, broadcast April 21 2002 Official summary: Mike (Eddie Kaye Thomas) and Chau (John Cho) harass Euan (Sean Maguire) for sporting the "natural" look and launch a grass roots movement against his foreskin, so Euan consults with urologist Dr. Barry Wasserman (guest star Eugene Levy) who has a bizarre style of penis humor. Lauren Stamile and Jason George also star. Danny Zuker & Warren Bell wrote the episode directed by Shelley Jensen. A locker room at a gym Euan: (undressing) I have to say it is nice to finally get to work out with you guys. I just always work such crazy hours, you know. I really do enjoy the camaraderie. Chau: (in terror) What the hell is that?! (points at Euan's penis, buries his face in his locker) Euan: (bewildered) What's what? Chau: (pointing at Euan's penis again) On your thingy. You freak! (1) Mike : Oh... oh... you haven't seen Euan the uncut version. Euan: Ah yes... Very good. Ha Ha Yes, I am uncircumcised. Chau: Dude I'm... I'm sorry for staring. But, um... it scares me.  Euan (Sean Maguire ) Euan: Hey look... guys, look... This is natural. This is the way God intended. And I don't believe God makes mistakes. (Enter Jay) Jay: Hey Euan. How's it hanging? Euan: Hey Jay. You know my guys. (Jay, Chau, and Mike greet by high-fiving one another) Jay: Say, Euan, I didn't realize it was casual Friday. Euan: (confused) I beg your pardon. Jay : (pointing at Euan's penis) I see you're wearing your turtleneck. (Laughter, more high fives) Euan: (frustrated) Ah, that's good. Can I just say something? If we were in a European locker room, I would be in the majority. Jay: Seriously, Euan, you should have that taken care of. I mean, you're a very attractive man but that penis is a disaster. (2) Euan: Well what would you have me do, Jay? Jay: Get circumcised. Euan: No way! Jay: Hey... hey, I'm your boss, OK Go see your urologist. Euan: (still frustrated) I'm 25 years old. I don't have a urologist, Jay. I wouldn't even know where to find a urologist. (Enter Dr Wasserman from nowhere) Dr Wasserman: I'm a urologist. (The men laugh.) But seriously, I am a urologist. That's my luxury sedan parked out front - with the license plate P P DOC (he hands out his business card) Chau: I saw that. Sweet ride. Dr. Wasserman: I call it the penis mobile. Anyway, I specialize in pediatric urology. Mike: (pointing at Euan's penis) That will be perfect for you, little fella. Dr. Wasserman: Don't you listen to him. You are perfectly normal. Euan: Thank you , Doctor. Dr. Wasserman: Except for the anteater (laughs) Seriously though... It's very, very unpleasant. (3) The apartment Liz: Hey. Euan: Hey Liz. Hey Jordan. Liz: What's up with you? Euan: I was just thinking about my penis. Jordan: (an airhead) Now I'm thinking about it. Ah great! Now your penis is going to be stuck in my head all night. Euan: All right... All right... No... See, the boys were teasing me today at the gym because I sport the natural look. Do women have an opinion on this? Liz: It's not that big a deal. You do fine with the women. Obviously there's some who don't mind that much. Jordan: Yeah, some chicks are into weird crap. (4) ... Jordan: You should see this urologist in our medical group I work for. Dr. Barry Wasserman. He's so funny. He calls his house Casa de Pee Pee. Enter Status with his date, Tonya. Small talk Jordan:(suddenly yelling) Euan is uncircumcised! Isn't it gross? (5) Status: Well, it's certainly gross to talk about. Euan: (embarassed) Jordan, it's a sensitive subject. Tonya: I don't really know you. But speaking as a woman. It's no big deal to me. Euan: (surprised and relieved) Really? Tonya: Sure. As long as I don't have to touch it. (6) (Exit Tonya and Status) Liz: Euan, relax. Women like you for you. Only the most shallow women are going to get bent out of shape by appearance. ... Jordan: Whip it out. I want to see it. The apartment. Later. Euan: (coming downstairs) Gentleman, I've been crunching the numbers and they don't look promising. There's a grass roots movement against my foreskin. A solid 35% of the women I've slept with lately referred to little Euan as off putting. Mike: What's the matter.....they don't like Snuffleupagus? (the hairy elephant-like creature on Sesame Street) (7) Status: Listen, you should just go and see my urologist, Dr. Wasserman. That man is a panic. Mike: Does everyone know this guy? Euan: And find him amusing? Status: I got his number from P. Diddy. Apparently P had some work done on his diddy. Dr. Wasserman's examining room Dr. Wasserman:(to someone offstage) Just tell him to pack it in ice and stop playing with it. (to Euan) Mr Pierce. Good morning. Euan: Ah....Dr. Wasserman. Please call me Euan. Dr. Wasserman: Oh... Reading about Mel Gibson, I see. He's circumcised. Euan: Really? It just says here that it rained a lot during the filming of 'Braveheart'. Dr. Wasserman: Oh well... we didn't come here to talk about famous penises now did we? Why don't you lift the gown and let old Dr. Wasserman poke around. (Dr. Wasserman inspects Euan's genitals.) Euan: (coughs) Dr. Wasserman: Are you okay? Euan: I just thought I was supposed to do that. Dr. Wasserman: No... No... You seem a little nervous, and you shouldn't be. Why don't you just relax while I go and get an instrument. (He walks to a cabinet and pulls out a hedge clipper, the kind that resembles a big pair of scissors) Ah... Here we are. Euan: Lord! (jumps from the table.) Dr. Wasserman: You see, Euan, I use humor to, uh, help diffuse the awkwardness of one man examining another man's penis. Euan: That's a good bit. I feel a lot more relaxed now. (gets back on the table.) ... Dr. Wasserman: Well, it's thumbs up on the testicles so to speak. Well, you have no balanoposthitis. You have no phimosis. However, I can now make a clear diagnosis of your condition. Euan: Oh really? What's that? Dr. Wasserman: Weird wiener-itis (8) (laughing) But seriously, Euan, it's a frequent reason for adult circumcision. Let me ask you... have you given any thought to the kind of cut you would like? Euan: (confused) Well... no... Dr. Wasserman: Would you like to pick one out from the big book of penises? Euan: Oh well... I suppose. Dr. Wasserman: Joking. Euan: Okay. (chuckles) Dr. Wasserman: Joking. There is no big book of penises. I mean maybe there is one, but I certainly don't have it. One again, I was using humor ro help put you at your ease. (Enter Jordan. She tells Dr Wasserman his next appointment has cancelled. As she leaves, she drops a magazine on the floor. She bends down to pick up and sneaks a peek at Euan's penis) Jordan: Ha! I saw it! (Euan is embarrassed. She leaves.) Dr. Wasserman: Well, um, here I am with some free time. And, uh, here you are with uh, some, uh, spare skin. So... Euan: Now? Dr. Wasserman: Don't put off till tomorrow what you can just cut off with a razor-sharp scalpel and a Gomco clamp today. Euan: Ah... Well I really wasn't expecting, uh... You know, perhaps you could just talk me through the procedure. Dr. Wasserman: Oh yes, yes, yes... Of course. (pulling over a tray of instruments) Well quite simply in layman's terms, what I will be doing is making a small dorsal slit in the foreskin whereby the foreskin will be separated from the glans [This is a reference to infant circumcision. The adult foreskin is already separated.] at which point the bell portion of this Gomco clamp will be placed over the glans and the foreskin pulled over the bell and through the plate and the yoke and then I will tighten. (Dr. Wasserman picks up each instrument and re-enacts each step, to Euan's horror.) (Suddenly Dr. Wasserman is notified of an emergency by the intercom. He hands the Gomco clamp to Euan and leaves. Euan immediately puts the clamp down. He picks up another instrument that has a huge blade like a chef's knife.) Euan: Don't' worry little fella... I'm way ahead of you. (and proceeds to grab his clothes and flee the examining room.) A restaurant. Euan: There were clamps and jokes and Jordan. It was a nightmare. Chau: You don't have to tell me. My circumcision was the worst day of my life. Euan: (sarcastically) It was the third day of your life. How could you possibly remember? Chau: Dude, I remember it all: I'm in this clear plastic crib chilling, scoping out the lady babies. I had this sweet knit hat on- made me look like Baretta. Then this weird doctor was all choppity-chop-chop. And I'm all 'Dude, lay off the golden inch!' Euan: Chau, that's insane. ... The locker room. Later Euan is shaving. Mike makes small talk and leaves. Euan takes off his shorts. Enter a beautiful blonde female gym employee. Euan hurries to put his towel on Blonde: Oops! I'm sorry. We close in a half hour. I didn't think anyone was in here. Euan: Oh, that's all right. Come back anytime. Blonde: I'll do that. Do you need a towel? Euan: Oh, no, no... fine, Thanks, I've got one. Blonde: I bet it's not as nice and fresh and soft as this one. So why don't you drop that one and come here. Euan: (looks towards Heaven. Voice over:) Dear Penthouse, I never used to believe that your letters were true. But this one night at my health club.... (takes off his towel, throws it to the side, steps from behind the sinks, and walks toward the Blonde.) Blonde: (She finally takes her eyes from Euan's and looks down at his penis.) Whoa! (9) (she runs away.) Euan: (startled and frustrated) What?! Blonde: Uh, nothing. I just remembered I'm Jewish. (She runs our of the locker room.) Euan: (grabbing a towel and covering up) That's it!. I've had it. Right... I'm cutting you off! (pointing at his penis underneath the towel) No, not you two. You're fine. (Exit, still talking to his genitals.) Dr. Wasserman's examining room Dr. Wasserman: (raising his head from underneath Euan's gown.) Now, that's what I call a good clean shave. Slap a little skin-bracer down there and we're good to go. Euan: That's the humor again, right? Dr. Wasserman: Indeed, it is. (yells) Suzanne, we're ready! (Enter Suzanne, pushing a tray of instruments) Euan: That's your urology assistant? She looks more like a magician's assistant. Dr. Wasserman: Well, we are about to make something disappear. Euan: I set 'em up and you knock 'em down. Dr. Wasserman: I guess . Euan: Ah, well, it's a pleasure to meet you, Suzanne. I can't help but feel we're skipping ahead a few steps in our relationship. Suzanne: Wow. Charming and pantless. Devastating combination. What are we doing today, Doctor? Dr. Wasserman: Well, Euan here will be enjoying a moderate low circumcision. So I will prepare the anesthetic and then, uh... let's peel this banana. Suzanne: So why are you having this done? Have you had problems with it? Euan: No, no, no... Lord no. No, I, uh, just thrive for perfection. Suzanne: Oh, wow. Talk about unattractive. Euan: Yeah, I know. That's why I'm having it cut off. Dr. Wasserman: Okay, Euan. Now, uh, you're going to feel a little pinch here. Uh, in the sense that, uh, World War II was a little skirmish. Suzanne: I didn't mean your foreskin was unattractive. It's your vanity that's a turn-off. Dr. Wasserman: Okay....here we go. Euan: Wait, wait, wait... What do you mean my vanity? Suzanne: Well, come on. You're handsome and charming. But obviously your self-esteem is all wrapped up in your penis. Dr. Wasserman: Diving in. Euan: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait... So you're saying my narcissism is more offensive to you than my foreskin? Suzanne: Much more. Euan: Oh my God! She's right. She's right. Doc, what am I doing? Dr. Wasserman: Uh, Euan... This is a simple case of the jitters. It's all perfectly natural. (walks toward him with a needle) Euan: Will you get away from me with that thing! (He jumps up from the operating table.) Dr. Wasserman: You know, that's what the wife said to me last night. I'm just kidding. My wife is dead. (Euan is not circumcised) |
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The Office (US version) |
"Baby Shower" - first broadcast October 16, 2008 Dwight (Rainn Wilson) is helping Michael prepare for the birth of Jan's baby by pretending to give birth to a watermelon. In an interview with the camera crew, he claims: "Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up, I performed my own circumcision." (In Season 1, he claimed he could raise and lower his own cholesterol at will.) This implies that circumcision is an inevitable part of childbirth. |
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Parks and Recreation |
Comedy about local body affairs. Season 1, Episode 3, "The Reporter", April 23, 2009 The council plans to turn a construction pit into a park, and are being interviewed for a local paper by Shauna Malwae-Tweep (Alison Becker). They have been told to stay on message and carefully prepared for the interview. Andy (Chris Pratt), not a staff member himself, broke his legs in a drunken fall into the pit, but has not yet told the others. Andy: You know, that's actually a great story. Um, I'd just finished up a gig with my band Threeskin, formerly Fourskin, but our bassist left for personal reasons. The gratuitous reference is used to indicate Andy going off-message. Foreskins are always irrelevant. (A band called The Four Skins occurs in Gore Vidal's Myra Breckenridge, also purely for its shock value.) |
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The Practice |
A courtroom drama series A lawyer is questioning a Roma (Gypsy) woman about "the barbaric practice of arranged child marriages". The witness points out that America has barbaric practices too: |
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Providence |
Broadcast July 21, 2000 A Jewish woman insists her non-Jewish fiance be circumcised. He cancels the wedding. She asks a doctor to try to change his mind. (This would be doubtful ethically.) She goes to his workplace and persuades him. At the last minute she changes her mind, but he gets circumcised anyway to prove his love. Cute "jokes" in surgery about "Can you feel this?" He gives the doctor a TV (he sells them) in payment. A relative of the doctor says, "That must have cost a lot," but the doctor replies, "Oh , it's a little bargain." [implying that circumcision is trivial] . |
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Queer as Folk |
Drama about Vince Tyler (Craig Kelly), boyhood friend but never lover of rich, self-absorbed Stuart Jones (Aidan Gillen), their parents and their circle of friends, largely set in the gay clubs of Manchester's Canal St. Stuart was sperm donor for Rosalie Cotter (Caroline Pegg) and Romey Sullivan (Esther Hall), but unlike the US version, it is Vince who behaves more like their baby Alfred's father, and there is no suggestion that Alfred (Alfie Robinson) might be circumcised. Episode 7, Scene 3, out-take. Vince's 30th birthday party. Dazz (Jonathan Natynczyk): What d'you mean, she's bought him cheese? Nathan: She bought him cheese. Donna (Carla Henry): It's brie. (passing the package to them) It's nice. It's French. Nathan: (sniffing it) Smells all cheesy, like a knob. Dazz: It's like smegma. Donna: (annoyed) I'm gettin' a drink. Dazz: (calls after her) Vodka and Red Bull thanks. Nathan: (relishing the word) Sss- megma! (They fall under the table laughing.) It is a given that every man has a foreskin, and if it smells, that's a joke, not a catastrophe demanding surgery. |
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Queer As Folk |
Sitcom about a group of gay and lesbian friends, a spin-off of the UK version which has no reference to circumcision.
Official summary: Lindsay and Melanie have a bris for their new baby Gus, which Brian decides to miss until Michael convinces him otherwise. Brian decides to crash the party and put his parental foot down. ... Brian's involvement as the father of Gus causes some relationship strain between Lindsay and Melanie. (Based on the transcript by Tiffany) Episode 103, Broadcast December 17, 2000 Promiscuous and wealthy Brian (Gale Harold) has been a sperm donor for Melanie (Michelle Clunie) and Lindsay (Thea Gill). Their friend Michael (Hal Sparks) narrates. (The front of Melanie and Lindsay's house. Various people are coming with gifts, etc.) Voice of Michael: About a week after their baby was born, thanks in part to the invaluable contribution of Brian Kinney, Lindsay and Melanie had a party. They invited a herd of their nearest and dearest lesbians, assorted relatives and us...friends of the father, to their house. (Michael starts walking up the stairs) It was really nice.... But I'm jumping ahead. Let's go back an hour. Brian: I told you. I'm not going to the muncher's brunch. And that's final. Michael: Look, it's not for them. It's for
your son. Brian: My son. He's
only my son when they want my
money. Michael: So why punish him by not going? Brian: Look, it's not as if he's gonna know I'm not
there. Michael: And if anybody should ask where you are? Brian: Just tell them the usual. (takes towel off and throws it at Michael) Something came up. (At the party. Melanie and Lindsay approach, carrying Gus) Michael: Oh, here he is. Can I hold him? Lindsay: It's almost time for the ceremony. Where's Brian? Michael: He couldn't make it. He said to tell you that, uh - Mel: Something came up. Hm. I can guess what. Rabbi: Shall we begin? Lindsay: This is Rabbi Protesh. He'll be doing the Bris. Emmett: Oh, I love pot roast. Ted: That's brisket. I believe, in the Jewish faith, a bris is a circumcision ceremony. Rabbi: That's correct. First I give the boy child a little wine. Then I say a prayer or two. Then I take my scalpel and I remove his foreskin. (At the gym, Brian is changing. His phone rings and he answers
it) Brian: How's the party? Michael: You better get your ass over here fast. Brian: Why? With all those bull-dykes around, is there a shortage of bottoms? Michael: No. I... I... Remember Lindsay and Melanie's invitation, the part that was in Hebrew? I just found out what that means. (Melanie is holding the naked baby as the Rabbi
speaks) Rabbi: In every Jewish boy's life, there are three steps to becoming a man. First, his bris. Then his Bar-Mitzvah, and finally, his marriage. (as he talks, the camera goes around the room - Michael and Ted are holding Emmett up) For thirty-five hundred years, the circumcision ritual has been the fundamental sign of the covenant between God and Israel. Melanie, will you please place your son on his mother's lap? (She does so. The Rabbi pulls out the knife.) Emmett: Oh, my god. He's really going to do it. Okay, I - I can't, uh - Michael: Where's Brian? Ted: Looking after the only dick that matters... his own. Brian: Excuse me, Rabbi. looks at Mel and Lindsay) You two. In the kitchen...now! Mel: What the hell do you think you're doing? Barging in here, interrupting a religious ceremony? Brian: You should have asked my permission first. Mel: For what? Brian: To circumcise my son. Mel: We don't have to ask for permission. We're the parents. Brian: And I'm the biological father, and that gives me more rights than you. Mel: Oh, ho ho. I see someone's been studying his
law. Lindsay: Look, this is no time to be having this
conversation with a house full of guests. Mel: Yeah, and since when did you start caring about your son? Considering you haven't been to
see him once since he was born. Brian: Well, I'm not exactly welcome. Mel: Oh, bullshit! You've been too busy fucking everything that moves! Lindsay: Can we please stop this?! (everyone falls silent) (to
Brian) Why does it matter to you if Gus is circumcised? Brian: It matters that he's been in this world less than a week and already there are people who won't accept him for the way he is. Who would even mutilate him rather than let him be the way he is. The way he was born. Well, I'm not going to let that happen. Rabbi: Excuse me? Uh, shall we proceed? Baby is not circumcised. (At the diner. Emmett, Katsuo, Brian, Ted and Michael all share
a booth) Emmett: You really showed those dykes who's got the low hangers. Michael: And for once, it was us. Ted: I've always said, there's only two reasons to be friends with lesbians. They'll never try to convince you that the only reason you're gay is that you haven't met the right woman. And, uh, they know how to change a flat. Brian: It wasn't about them. It was about my son. If I don't look out for him, who will? Michael: Wow! If you're not careful, you might turn out to be an all right dad in spite of yourself. raises glass) To Brian. Ted and Emmett: To Brian. (Melanie and Lindsay's house. Melanie is in a bad mood as they
walk through the house doing various things) Lindsay: Should I freeze this or toss it? I'd rather not have it around while I'm trying to get back into shape. (silence) So, how long is this going to go on? Or do you plan never to speak to me ever again? Mel: What would you like me to say? Lindsay: Anything. Mel: All right, how about "I have a house full of uneaten cold cuts and an uncircumcised son"? How's that? Lindsay: (drinks) Oh. Look. Brian's going to take out the insurance policy. At least he's agreed to do that. That's something, isn't it? Mel: Oh, my consolation prize. Lindsay: It was important enough to you last week. Mel: So was this afternoon. But now I have been humiliated in front of our friends, my relatives, Rabbi Protesh. Where's the goddamn plastic wrap? (grabs it) And you let him do it. Lindsay: Me? Mel: You're the one who decided to call off the bris. Of course, I know it's not very important to you or Brian, but it happens to be a very important ritual in my family. Lindsay: You know, there are a lot of men who think circumcision is a cruel and barbaric practice. Mel: I don't care what men think about their dicks! I care that you put Brian before me. But, you know, why should I be surprised? You always have. Lindsay: Oh, for Christ' sake, are we really gonna go through this again? I don't wanna have this conversation. Mel: Yeah, and I didn't want Brian be the baby's father in the first place. But, no, you had to have it your way. It had to be Brian or no one. So now he' s a part of our lives forever. Whether we like it or not. (Melanie and Lindsay's bedroom. Melanie has been answering the telephone) Mel: I'm sorry it woke you, and the baby. I know you need your rest. Lindsay: I was up anyway. Mel: You were? So was I. Just thinking about all the terrible things I said. Lindsay: No, I should have stood up to him. I should have. Mel: No. I mean, it was best to be practical. I mean, this way Gus - how am I ever gonna get used to that name? - may keep his foreskin but still be provided for. Lindsay: (sits down next to Mel) Look, it doesn't matter who's right. We can't allow Brian to come between us, as much as he'd like to. Mel: And you know he would. Lindsay: Even if he is the father, we're still the parents. You and me. Gus belongs to us. And that's why we had him. Mel: Well, you had him. Aside from saying "Push" and "Breathe" I really didn't have that much to do with it. Lindsay: You had everything to do with it. I never would have had him without you. (They kiss.) Just remember that...next time you're wondering who comes first. (they look down at Gus) Since neither biological parent is Jewish, Gus is not Jewish and need not be circumcised. |
Emmett creates a screen name for himself that includes everything that he wants to be: 4 per cent body fat, big beefy top 9[inches] by 6 UNCUT.
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[June 5, 2005]
Ted, who has been depressed about aging, going bald, and gaining weight on earlier episodes, has decided to undergo multiple cosmetic surgery. In a hospital room right before the surgery, with several markings on his face where the alterations will be done, he is having doubts. Emmett is with him. Ted: I've never had any surgery before. I still have everything intact, you know. My ... my appendix. My tonsils. Emmett: Foreskin Ted: My wisdom teeth. This will be my first time under the knife. Emmett: Pish! It's nothing. Ted: You can sit there and pish all you want, I'm the one about to suffer severe pain for the sake of a new me. What if I don't like the new me? ... Maybe Brian was right ... maybe this obsession with youth and beauty is shallow, superficial, and narcissistic. |
Ted tells Melanie he's no longer satisfied with sleeping around since becoming so popular after the cosmetic surgery, and he wants to settle down. She tells him that if he wants to get hitched, he needs a Jewish guy because they make the best marriage material - that is, if the man can get past his incestuous relationship with his mother that lasts beyond the grave. Later, Ted and Brian are at work at Brian's ad agency where Ted is Brian's accountant. Ted: Hey listen, how about coming along with me to Beth Emmanuel's mixer? Brian: Who's she? Ted: It's a temple. They're having their monthly gay get-together at Woody's and I want to meet a mensch, settle down. Ted: Ted Schmidt. Shalom Adam: Adam Bernstein. Shalom, and nice to meet you too. Cut to them seated at a table, talking, obviously attracted to each other. Adam: You know I never put too much stock into those mixers at Woody's. I mainly went to confirm my convictions that nothing would ever come of it. Ted: That's so pessimistic. Adam: It's not pessimistic. It's, uh, it's Jewish. But this time it worked out. Ted: For me, too. They walk to the sofa. Adam: Do you mind if I ask you a personal question? Ted: "Do I ever have sex on the first date?" Adam: How did you guess? Ted: Depends how it goes. Adam: How would you say this is going? Adam starts to kiss Ted again, passionately. He goes down on his knees and starts to unbutton Ted's pants. Ted lies back. Then he realises nothing is happening. Ted: Everything all right down there? Adam: Frankly, no. Ted: What's wrong? Adam: You're not Jewish. Ted: I never said I was. Adam: But you were at the mixer. Ted: I wanted to meet a nice Jewish guy. Adam (shaking his head, getting up): So did I. Ted: Well, look, I mean, why let a little thing like my not being Jewish ruin what could be a beautiful relationship? Adam (adamant): Because I want a Jewish husband. Because I want to settle down, carry on traditions, heritage. Ted: I'll- I'll- I'll have the surgery. Oy, more surgery. Uh, I'll, uh, convert, huh? Elizabeth Taylor did it. Marylin Monroe, Sammy Davis Jr... Adam: Look, you're a nice guy, Ted, just not a nice Jewish guy. Ted: My date was a bust. Brian: What went wrong? Ted: You could say I didn't make the cut. Brian: You'll live. Ted: Yeah. I don't know how you do it. You always know the right thing to say. As usual, "circumcised" = "Jewish" in both Ted's and Adam's expectations. That Ted could could be unaware that his intactness might be an issue defies belief. The contradiction between Adam's traditionalism regarding circumcision and his lack of it regarding homosexuality goes unexplored. |
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Red Dwarf |
Science fiction comedy about three mismatched cosmonauts. Characters routinely uses "Smeg!" as an expletive, presumably as a contraction of smegma. It may also be relevant that Smeg is an Italian brand of whiteware sold widely throughout Europe. The existence of smegma is taken as a given. |
